


Violent Delights

by PinkLemonade1886



Series: Violent Delights [1]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Anders - Freeform, Cheating, Dragon Age - Freeform, Dragon Age II - Freeform, F/M, Female Hawke - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kirkwall (Dragon Age), Multi, cullen rutherford - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-03-05 04:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13380084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkLemonade1886/pseuds/PinkLemonade1886
Summary: 'These Violent Delights have Violent Ends.' In the wake of her increasingly toxic relationship with the apostate Anders, Juliet Hawke finds comfort in the most unlikely of places and comes to realize that her greatest delight will result in the greatest tragedy to happen to Kirkwall.





	1. Chapter 1

          They laid close together, staring into each other’s eyes as if the world around them ceased to exist. The silence of the darkened room was peaceful without any sound to shatter their fantasy of pretending to live in such an idyllic world where they would be able to face each other in the light of day without shame. The softness in her touch when she caressed her lover’s cheek was contrasted by the scars that decorated her complexion. Much like how hands as calloused as his could be able to treat her so kindly when they were felt drenched in the blood and sins of the mages of Kirkwall.

         He returned her tender touch by gently grasping her hand and bringing it across his cheek, savoring the feeling of her skin on his own and placing of loving kiss on her palm. One of the many small ways he communicated his emotions without having to bear the torture of articulating them. Often times, the couple would find themselves at a loss for words when alone. Whatever needed to be said between them could be felt in their touch. When they embraced he held strongly to her as if he understood that he would lose himself if he were to lose her. Her smile was rarely seen nowadays but when she smiled it was always for him; bright and warm, it radiated with the blissful joy that many thought she had lost ages ago. 

         “Mistress Hawke?” a voice, quiet and nervous, brought the couple back into their reality, “It’s time,” 

“Give us a minute,” she replied, unable to tear her eyes away from her lover. Her maid lowered her head and crept away from the dark room. 

“I have to leave now,” he whispered to her with the same sad expression he wore every time they heard those dreaded words. 

“Just a little longer…,” she begged him. 

“No,” he shook his head before sitting up and rubbing his tired face with his hands in a mixture of both shame and guilt, “If I stay here any longer I won’t be able to tear myself away. We have---”

“Responsibilities to ourselves and to our duties,” she finished his sentence while turning over on her side to watch him dress, “You’ve already said that, Cullen”

         A smile crossed his exhausted face as he pulled his trousers up, staring into the dim coals with his back turned to Hawke to hide the longing in his amber eyes.

“Then I’ll spare you the lecture this time, Juliet,” 

“No, please! Continue!” she chuckled while propping herself up on her elbows, “I enjoy listening to talk. Especially about responsibilities and duties,” 

“Perhaps another time then,” there was a light in him that caused the darkness that shrouded her heart to lift for only a moment. The serenity between them felt almost as addicting as the punishment they unknowingly subjected themselves to each time they fell into each other’s affections. 

          Cullen could feel her eyes on him. When they first met he couldn’t stand the way she stared at him. The prejudice that he spewed at her was reflected in the way she defied him in her frosty glare but now she can only look at him with the warmth that reminded him of the summers he thought long gone from his childhood. She soothed the anger inside him in a way that he never thought possible. Through her kind caresses and the very magic that once sickened him. To an outsider looking in, it’s easy to assume that the foundation for the relationship would purely be pleasures of the flesh but since beginning their affair, passionate nights became replaced by peaceful nights. Where they sit the low glow of the fireplace, pretending to be something they knew they could never be; a family. There was no greater pleasure for the couple than watching her tainted hands work their way across his clothes, mending them with the content smile of a wife while she listened to him speak about his day with the mannerisms of tired husband who’s grateful to be home.

         He pulled his cotton shirt over his head but paused before he could put his arms through the sleeves when he felt Juliet’s arm snake around his torso in one last loving embrace. 

“Be careful when you leave,” she laid a lingering kiss at the base of his neck and another behind his ear, “I can’t have you getting caught. I don’t know what I’d do without you anymore,” 

“I feel like I’m the one who should be telling you to be careful,” there was bitterness laced in the tone of his voice, “If  _ he  _ hurts you...I can’t make any promises that I’ll let him leave the city alive,” a weight fell to the pit of her stomach at the very mention of the abomination that she naively tied herself to when she first arrived into the city. She glanced over to the empty side of the bed. Red sheets wrinkled and thrown the side with the Cullen’s scent barely noticeable, would soon be filled by the walking husk of what use to be Anders. The very thought of him caused a twinge of guilt to spread through Juliet before she returned her attention to Cullen.

“Let’s not think about that. Let’s just be happy to have tonight,” Whatever peace Cullen might have found that night became replaced with a frightened anger as he peeled himself away from Juliet to finish dressing.

         Their bittersweet goodbye was sealed with a quick kiss that lacked the passion of two lovers but rather had the comfort of a committed couple. Juliet wore a wistful smile as she watched Cullen leave her room in the clothes of a commoner to obscure his identity enough to not alert the other nobles of Hightown.   
  
_ Juliet Hawke,  _ she thought to herself as she ran her fingers through her yellow hair,  _ Juliet Rutherford... _   


         The idea of forsaking the Hawke name had become increasingly attractive since her arrival into Kirkwall. A name she once wore with pride now felt like a burden so heavy it suffocated her each time it was spoken. Hawke, the apostate. Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall. Hawke, the defender of mages. Each year she became more disconnected from her image that soon enough she found herself isolated from the world around her.  _ Hawke _ was an idol that was revered by the city.  _ Juliet _ was an afterthought to many and a stranger to most.

         Her maid came in a few moments later with the same look of hidden disappointment that Juliet learned to ignore. Her maid was loyal and devoted, forever grateful that her mistress gave her a job after her escape from Hadriana but that loyalty did not free Juliet from her judgement.

“Here, Mistress. Allow me,” she said while taking the sheets from Juliet’s hands.

“Thank you, Orana. I appreciate you helping me,” she thanked her maid with a smile that covered her shame. Orana rolled the bed sheets into a ball and turned her back to Juliet, ready to leave but a thought dawned on her that she couldn’t help but to ask.

“Mistress Hawke,” she turned her head to face Juliet in hopes of seeing some honesty in her mistress for once, “If you love the Knight-Captain why do you stay with Ser Anders?”

“Because….,” the very thought of him caused her eyes to become filled with a fear that many could never imagine the Champion of Kirkwall ever having. She seemed more like a child awaiting punishment for her wrongdoings than the the paragon of unflinching goodness that many thought she was, “I wish I knew…,”

          By morning, all evidence of Cullen was erased from the estate. From the newly laid out sheets to the warm morning bath that washed his scent from her body. She sat in the warm water with ivory lily petals floating on its surface, accompanied by the shaky breaths of a woman whose only wish was to lay under the water and watch the petals fade her from her view. 


	2. Chapter 2

          The very thought of her touch sent his heart speeding in excitement that he may indulge in his desires once again despite his better judgement. Brilliant green eyes that once haunted his nightmares now quieted the memories that clawed at his back almost every night. The more he pictured a future with the Champion, even if it was only a passing fantasy, the more distant he felt his past becoming.

          Cullen stared into the ceiling with tired eyes slowly blinking as silent tears streamed down his cheeks. He was no stranger to the nightmares that have plagued him since his transfer from the Ferelden Circle of Magi but since he found solace in Juliet’s company he soon became accustomed to having her there to soothe him and comfort him in ways that no woman before had. Spending nights without her protection only served to remind him what a blessing her magic could be sometimes.

 

         The morning sun peeked through the thick curtains that covered his windows in small rays that lit his room. He felt unmovable in his bed, lacking any energy to move on account of his insomnia and his waning faith in the Templar Order. The naivety of his youth was crushed, leaving his shattered mind to put the pieces back together but for all his faith in the Maker he was not the man he use to be. There was nothing left in him but the comfort that there was someone who understood his plight enough to restore some his lost strength. Reluctantly, he forced himself out of bed.

 

         Often times, his apartment felt eerily quiet. Not a sound to make his home feel alive or warm. Only the quiet rustle of his armor as he dressed gave any indication that someone resided there. He was careful to avoid facing himself in the single nearby mirror. He wasn’t a man known for his weaknesses but the truth of the matter was that his determination to see only what he wanted weighed on his soul more heavily than any sin or broken vow ever could. If were to face himself in the mirror he’d be facing the reflection of a man he didn’t recognize and one he he has become ashamed of.

 

          His morning routine was conducted without fault. The mages were released from their rooms and accounted for, each tired face maintaining a stoic facade to hide their fear of their of the templars that stared down at them with eyes that radiated the hatred they had become infamous for. Afterwards, the mages were ushered into the dining hall for their morning meal before being released to the courtyard to begin their morning exercises, presided over the senior mages.  


          After scanning the courtyard for any suspicious activity as the Knight-Commander instructs him to do on an almost daily basis, he negated his responsibilities to the senior mages and took his leave to the safety of his office. Many people would find having to read and write endless amounts of paperwork to be tedious but there was a security in it that Cullen grew to take comfort in. It was predictable, simple and provided an escape from the outside world.

But his escape soon enough came to an end when he mindlessly reached over, believing he was taking just another form to be filled when he saw an image of the woman that stirred a rage in him so fierce he felt he still could not find the strength in him to quiet. Her eyes were painted a brilliant green that embodied her selfishness and greed. To add insult to injury, she sat proudly in a deep purple gown with golden stitching that matched the glittering amethyst headpiece she wore atop her raven hair that served as a pseudo crown to announce to the readers that she was their queen.

 _Evil bitch_ , was the only thought that came to Cullen’s mind as he read the headline of the newspaper, “KING ALISTAIR AND LADY AMELL HAVE THIRD CHILD.” It was only then did Cullen notice the infant in her lap wearing a pure white lace dress, becoming part of the background compared to his ostentatious mother.

“Keran!” Cullen bellowed, knowing that the recruit would be near his office. Since allowing him to stay in the order on Juliet’s request, he’s made every effort to keep Keran within arm’s distance. Even going as far as to have him polish the armor and weapons each morning to avoid having him the courtyard with the mages.  


           The recruit rushed to the Knight-Captain’s office, practically out of breath and fear in his murky blue eyes.

“Y-Yes, sir? You called?” Keran panted while still making sure to salute his better.

“Dispose of his nonsense and tell that tranquil, Elsa that I don’t want any more newspapers arriving at my office,” Cullen ordered with his hand stretched out for Keran to take the paper.

“Right away--” as soon as Keran took the paper he was quick to read the headline, “The King of Ferelden has a third child? This is news,”  


_I should have told everyone about us_ , Cullen regretted, _You vile woman…_

He found it difficult to return to his duties after that. For so long, he ignored the Warden’s presence. Treating her only as if she were a past heartbreak but after seeing her face after so many years he couldn’t deny that the wound she left still felt as fresh as it did on the night she mercilessly tore into his heart.

“Unimportant news,” Cullen grumbled.

“I wouldn’t say that. The King of Ferelden has three children with his mage mistress? The scandal!” he tried to joke but as soon as he saw the anger in Cullen’s glare he cleared his throat and excused himself to follow through with his orders.

 _"The Amells are a noble family. So tell me why should nobility settle for some backwoods farm boy when the future King of Ferelden is offering me the world?”_ he recalled her asking him with a grin while he stood before her like a fool, crying his eyes out and putting all his emotions on display for her to mock, _“If you tell anyone about us, I’ll bury you. You and the whole Rutherford clan will be wiped from the face of Thedas. Because if it turns out that I don’t get what I want then you can be certain that I will take revenge on the ones who got in my way,”_  


          Without even realizing it, Cullen threw his fist forward into the stone wall of his office, releasing the bottled hatred that had been dormant since his transfer to Kirkwall. The dull pain in his hand brought him back to reality. He rubbed his hand with his head held low in embarrassment. It was difficult to stomach the reality that she continued to have such a strong grasp on him but he couldn’t deny the relief that overcame him after having attempted to punch through the wall.

 

          The Hawke Estate felt hollow. Whatever warmth that might have resided in the home was washed away by the cold interactions of the couple that inhabited it. Anders sat across the room and watched his love dress with suspicion. Locks of golden hair cascaded down her back while she shifted through her wardrobe, looking for a dress that she thought would be appropriate for her appointment.

“What appointment do you have that requires you to dress up?” Anders spoke up, his voice sounding harsher than he intended.

“I told you. The King of Ferelden sent a letter saying he wishes to meet me. I thought it’d be a good idea to dress for the occasion,” Juliet kept her back turned to him in her own quiet form of defiance. Having learned from their first year living together, she resigned herself to letting Anders feel in control of their relationship rather than start another fight that would inevitably escalate to Justice silencing her. Desperately wanting to change the subject to avoid an interrogation, she took a silk forest green dress from her wardrobe and turned to Anders, “What about this dress? It’s a new one that Merrill suggested---,”

“Merrill? You’ve spoken with Merrill lately?” the flash of anger in his eyes caused Juliet’s blood to run cold.

“About dresses, yes. Isabela wanted to take Merrill and I that hat shop she’s always going on about. We passed by a dressmaker and Merrill said that the dress in the display would look good on me. What’s the problem?”

“I’ve already told you the problem with Merrill and being with her,” Anders stood up from his seat and stormed to Juliet, making her accidentally let the dress fall to the floor and take a few steps back to distance herself from the apostate, “Her ignorance will bring the Templars down on us,”

“You think the Templars are going to arrest me for buying a dress that she suggested?” Juliet chuckled in an effort to cover how undone she was becoming with each passing second she stood under his intimidating gaze, “You’re just tired and not thinking clearly. Maybe you---,”

“You’re the one who isn’t thinking clearly, Juliet!” Anders shouted, watching her flinch and tightly shut her eyes to collect herself. She exhaled a deep breath and brought her trembling hands to his chest, smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt with a forced smile.

“You’re right. I’m not thinking clearly,” she conceded, “I’ll be more careful about going out with Merrill. No need to be so upset. How can I make it up to you?”

“Don’t bother. I know you’ll just disobey me anyway,” he pushed her hands away in indignation that she would have the audacity to go against his wishes, “I do this for your benefit as well as mine and you don’t even realize it,”

“I said I’m sorry…,” her emerald eyes became red from the tears she tried to desperately hold back, “I don’t know what else I can do,”  


          Anders’ expression softened to seem more affectionate towards her. He raised his hands to cup her cheeks and bring her close to him, resting his forehead on hers in the same manner he used when she needed comforting.

“You can listen to me, love,” he whispered to her before placing a gentle kiss on her lips. He waited for what felt like an eternity for her to reciprocate his affections as she use to but instead, she kept her eyes fixated on the floor.  


           Juliet couldn’t find the strength to lift her head until she heard their bedroom door shut, leaving her alone with nothing but the lingering feelings of uneasiness that seemed to be rooted in their relationship. She waited until she could no longer hear Anders’ footsteps echo through the estate to finally pick up the dress that caused them to fight.

 _No green dress,_ she thought to herself as she placed it back in her wardrobe, _Shame though. I really liked that dress..._


	3. Chapter 3

         Juliet sat her vanity, staring into her own reflection with the tired eyes of a woman who felt drained of any life in her. The peaceful quiet between her and Orana was welcomed but the silence felt unsettling as Anders’ presence continued to linger in her room. His words saturated the room’s atmosphere with the misery that Juliet privately stewed in. There was no room in the estate that didn’t feel tainted by the loss and loneliness of its inhabitants.

         Orana styled Juliet’s hair in a similar fashion to majority of the ladies in Hightown. A high bun that was pulled back tightly, decorated by a string of pearls that sat at the crown of her head. She had a keen understanding of Mistress’ considerably plain preferences when it came to fashion so it came to no surprise when she was ordered to help Juliet into a modest dark grey gown that did little to flatter her pretty features.

“Would you mind going into my mother’s room and fetching me her jewelry box? Please,” Juliet kindly asked Orana with a soft smile.

“Of course, Mistress,” after Orana exited the room there was a moment of quiet. Juliet raised a hand to feel the cool touch of the mirror against her fingertips, unable to recognize who was staring back at her. Malcolm Hawke’s sweet little girl had deteriorated into the very woman she knew he would be ashamed of. A liar and a traitor. 

         Orana’s return was left unnoticed until Juliet saw her come into the mirror’s reflection, causing her let out a soft sigh and turn around to retrieve the silver jewelry box. The contents of the box was filled with jewels of every kind that served as proof of Leandra Hawke’s upbringing but the layer of dust sitting on top of them reminded Juliet of how long they’ve been left untouched.

“Allow me,” Orana took a pair of pearl droplet earrings from the box and wiped them clean on her apron, “You look exactly like your mother. You have her eyes,”

“My father use to say that. He called them the Amell eyes,”

“Well. They’re very pretty eyes if I do say so myself!” Juliet smiled at Orana’s compliment, not entirely seeing what was so pretty about them but accepting her compliment nonetheless. With the finishing touches being her matching pearl earrings and necklace completing her considerably plain outfit, she made stood up and faced her doorway with an expression that spoke volumes to the anxiety she could never seem to calm. 

“Are you ready, Mistress?” Orana placed a hand on the small of her back, comforting her the way she might comfort a scared child. Juliet lowered her head and took in a deep breath.

"Ready as I'll ever be," 

         The disappointing reality of the Champion of Kirkwall was never more obvious than in how she chose to present herself to the King of Ferelden. She lacked such presence that the only reason any of the nobles in Kirkwall paid her the slightest bit of attention was because of the golden throne she sat on. However, that didn’t mean they were above laughing at her modest fashion and rather unrefined country manners behind her back. They watched her make her way down the cobbled streets with her head held high in artificial confidence, finding it amusing that she considered herself one of them. When she entered the Viscount Keep she hoped to find a crowd of eager Fereldens waiting  for their King but instead was met with an almost vacant building, save for the few nobles who had managed to worm their way before the Knight-Commander’s arrival cleared the building of any fearful onlookers. 

         “Let me guess. That’s your final answer?” Juliet studied the features of the King’s face. Wrinkles barely peeking out the corner of his eyes and laugh lines around his lips that reminded her of her own father. She saw a playfulness in his eyes that made her speechless at how gracefully he was able to handle the Knight-Commander. 

“You declare your Circle of Magi free. As if it were your right to do so! And thus stir up every mage outside your kingdom!” the Knight-Commander’s icy blue eyes glanced in Juliet’s direction, becoming inflamed with the underlying hatred she bore for the single untouchable mage in the city, “What other answer did you expect, your majesty?”    
  
“A ‘maybe’ might have been nice,” the King mockingly pouted causing a small chuckle to escape from Juliet. 

“I do not deal in ‘maybes.’ I deal in cold, hard facts---as should you. Perhaps when Ferelden next chooses a king, it will be one that takes his duty to the Maker seriously,” The Knight-Commander brushed past Juliet, making sure that they locked eyes as her own silent warning that she was watching the Champion’s every move. 

          “Well, that was awkward,” the King looked to his adviser with a small smirk. 

“How do you do, your majesty?” Juliet dropped into a low curtsy out of respect for her monarch. 

“I’ve been better,” the King lowered himself to her level, taking her considerably smaller hands in his and raising her so casually that she wouldn’t have taken him for a royal if she hadn’t known better, “Manlier too, come to think of it,” She was thankful that she decided to come to his meeting alone because if any of her companions saw the silly grin on her face they would tease her relentlessly. 

“This is the Champion of Kirkwall,” his adviser cut in, attempting to smooth over his King’s ill manners. 

“Right! I’m Alistair, uh...King of Ferelden. And this is Teagan. My uncle, sort of,” 

“I’m actually Teagan. I’m only sort of his Uncle,” there was a sharpness in his tone as if he was trying to tell Alistair to compose himself in front of the Champion.

          “I was hoping we could talk,” Juliet glanced down at the arm he offered her before taking it with a pink tint across her cheeks, “Would’ve been better timing before being emasculated by Meredith but I’m not picky,”

“I’m surprised you would even know who I am,” the pair turned to walk up the marble staircase looking as if they were already close friends and Juliet lifting an eyebrow at her critics witnessing this display. The smile that crept across her face showed how she reveled in this small victory.

“Come. Let’s continue this discussion elsewhere,” 

          Teagan followed the Champion and the King to the gardens, eyeing the Champion with the same suspicion that he wished he had for the Hero of Ferelden before she found her way into the King’s bed and cemented her place in the Ferelden court. He saw stark differences between the cousins. Not just in the way they dress but in their mannerisms. There was a humility in Juliet that the Hero of Ferelden severely lacked and she had a certain...melancholy that would have evoked sympathy from Teagan had it not been for her family affiliation. 

“As I was saying, I know you came here from Lothering. A Ferelden refugee that did well for herself against all odds. I have to admit, I was hoping your influence in Kirkwall would be of use,” 

“What use is that?” 

“Things...haven’t been going well with Orlais. Without a viscount here, however, there’s only the Knight-Commander to deal with,” Juliet nodded thoughtfully, attempting to predict where Alistair was going with the conversation.

           “You were having an argument about mages,” she recalled with her brow furrowed downward in concern. 

“Yes, well, apparently I don’t feel the same way about mages as the Chantry does,”

“I don’t think anybody feels the same way about mages as you do, my King,” Tegan’s backhanded comment didn’t go unnoticed by Alistair or Juliet but the glare that came from Alistair was so fierce it managed to silence both Teagan and Juliet from speaking further on the matter. 

“So we’re in disagreement,” Alistair returned his attention to his previous conversation with a hardened tone, “That means they get nasty. They’re like that,” 

“Sounds like the Circle is better off in Ferelden,” Juliet pressed forward to avoid angering him again. 

“You’d think that, wouldn't you? Sadly, I don’t control the Circle. I can only deal with the mages outside of the Circle...of which there aren’t many,”

         “Pardon me but, is there a reason you called to meet with me? It’s most unusual that a foreign dignitary would actively request to meet with someone as lowborn as myself if they did not have a reason,” 

“Let me be frank. Ferelden and Orlais may be coming to war soon and while I am optimistic it will not happen, others...not so much. Kirkwall is on the brink of something incredibly dangerous. The world is watching this city fall apart and I hope you trust me when I say that it would wise for you to protect it,” 

“Protect Kirkwall from what, exactly?” 

“You ask me, the city’s biggest threat just walked out the door. But more importantly, the city needs a Viscount,” Alistair paused in his tracks and looked upwards to the tower where the Viscount’s office sat vacant. Juliet followed his gaze, her stomach becoming unsettled at what she hoped he was not suggesting.

         “My King, are you suggesting…” her voice trailed off as she unable to even imagine herself wearing the bloodied crown of the Viscount.

“I am not suggesting anything!” Alistair quickly laughed, making Juliet let out an uncomfortable sigh, “All I am suggesting is that you spend the evening with me tonight. We have a camp outside of Kirkwall and I be honored to spend my last night here drinking with the Champion,”

          Juliet took a step back with an astonished expression at the very thought of spending an evening alone with the King of Ferelden. Her mind reeled with all the possible outcomes and how they would seem to the people watching them conduct themselves in such a way. 

“My King, I do not think that would be a very good idea. If we were to spend the evening alone together it would seem as if you were showing favoritism. And...nobody likes the king’s favorite,” Juliet advised.

“Well how do you suppose we fix that?”

“You should extend the same invitation to the Knight-Commander and First Enchanter. They won’t accept it, I know that much. But the gesture would prevent any rumors from starting. And if you’d be so kind, would you allow me to invite some of my companions?”

“Hmm. You raise a good point about showing favoritism,” Alistair looked towards the sky as if he were pondering her words instead of teasing her in his own manner, “Very well! We’ll make a party of it!”

          “Very good, my King,” Juliet and Teagan said in unison by accident and exchanging awkward smiles but cringing on the inside.


	4. Chapter 4

          They watched each other from across the paved courtyard of the Gallows, faceless mages and templars passing between and becoming part of the background. The world around them became smaller as Cullen nervously waited for Juliet to close the space between them. He watched her fidget with her hands, unsure of where to put them while he rubbed the back of his neck to soothe his nerves. How strange it was that after being with her for so many  years that her very presence still caused his palms to sweat and his heart to race as if it were his first time meeting her. He watched as she passed him, brushing her fingertips against his and giving him a smile that told him he was not alone.

          He listened to her footsteps walking up the stone steps to the Gallows offices, silently glad to have been able to see her. He recalled how her profound lack of confidence was one of the first things he noticed when they met on the Wounded Coast. How her calm voice masked the underlying fear of her confronting one of the most powerful men in the city but the determination in her eyes telling him that she wouldn’t shy away from him either. Which made watching that determination crumble in a few short years that much more heartbreaking.

         An hour passed before he saw her emerging from the offices. She walked with an almost blank expression that made him raise an eyebrow. He’s seen her cry, laugh and get angry but he had never seen...nothing. He was able to get closer look at her when she approached him, seeing a twinge of guilt in her cordial smile like she was a child about to be punished but didn’t want to show fear.

“Champion,” He greeted her, careful to eye their surroundings. 

“Knight-Captain,” Juliet gave him a polite nod but kept herself at a distance, afraid of what the onlooking templars and mages would say if they saw them behaving too comfortably, “I’ve come to tell you that you’ve been formally invited to a small gathering. With the King of Ferelden,” 

         Cullen blinked a few times, processing what it was that Juliet had actually told him. A knot tied in his stomach as the very thought of being in the same room with the Puppet King. A cruel nickname that was only whispered in the taverns at night when they believed no Ferelden loyalists were around.

“Pardon?” Cullen asked, using an awkward smile to cover every bitter and disgusted emotion that brewed beneath him.

“It wasn’t my intention, I swear. The King extended his invitation to the Knight-Commander and First Enchanter but neither wished to go because of their petty fighting. So instead, the Knight-Commander ordered to tell you that you will be going in her place. As a representative of the Templar Order in Kirkwall,” There was a coldness about him that felt unsettling. She watched him fold his arms and lower his eyes so they stared blankly at her feet, hiding whatever emotions she would have eagerly asked him to voice if they were alone.

“Then I suppose I have no choice,” Cullen murmured through gritted teeth. She could see that there was nothing she could tell him may soothe him. All she could was offer him a smile that he didn’t return. There was no logical reason as to why Juliet would blame herself for Cullen’s anger but it nagged at her nonetheless.

         It almost felt as if the Maker himself was set on making Cullen face his past. There was no escape from the nightmares that hounded his sleep or the memories that crawled from the deepest pits of his mind when he found himself sitting quietly in his apartment, nursing his freshly pricked arm and allowing the lyrium to soothe him into a trance. The Chantry would gladly spin the lie that Lyrium was strictly used to enhance the Templars’ abilities but Cullen knew better. It was an addiction. A man-made curse to keep their holy soldiers on a leash and he was no exception. He could feel the call of the Lyrium, tempting him for just one last hit to begin his night but there she was. Her voice telling him that he was stronger than what the Chantry would have him believe.

 _Juliet_ , Cullen thought as he stared at the glass vials, holding the glowing blue substance, _She expects better of me_. He placed the vials into the drawer of his nightstand with the trembling hands of a man who was desperate to for one last taste before the end of the night. Just a single taste…

          He waited for the sun to set before he set out on his journey. The moon hung above him, lighting his way with the stars decorating the black sky. There was solace in the familiarity of being under the same sky as his siblings. He hadn’t seen them in so long he wondered if they were the same as he left him. Guilt took him over when he remembered the stack of unanswered letters from his older sister that he has placed on his dresser. He missed her bright smile and encouraging words that told him he’d be the greatest Templar in the Order. He missed his brother’s jokes and the way he’d provoke Cullen into a fight that would inevitably end with his brother yielding to him. He remembered his younger sister’s soft laughter and her even softer words that use to soothe his siblings hot tempers. _She would be a woman now…,_ Cullen realized, tears stinging his eyes, _They would be ashamed to see who I’ve become._

         His walk to King’s camp felt longer than it really was. Cullen felt his temper steadily rising the longer he attempted to read the Knight-Commander’s directions, her handwriting looking more like scribbles. The darkness making it that much harder to read. He was grateful that the camp was not so far along the Wounded Coast that he would have to face the bandits or theTal-Vashoth but just far enough for Cullen to curse the King for making him walk that much longer in the biting cold. For a man who was born and bred Ferelden, he still found himself cursing the cold every moment was forced to spend in it. 

          The tent wasn’t nearly as large as Cullen expected it to be. He assumed that Alistair shared his beloved’s grandiose taste but when entered the humble dark red tent all his expectations were dashed. The tent was lit by candlelight, setting an intimate atmosphere for the small party. He saw lowly guards drinking and laughing with their noble lords in camaraderie, a single minstrel in the corner strumming his lute with a playful glint in his eyes, and King Alistair laying on the floor on fur blankets and silk pillows, stripped of his armor and of his royal dignity. 

         Sitting around Alistair was the Champion of Kirkwall and her companions, most of them dressed so casually Cullen suddenly felt like retreating to avoid being the only overdressed guest. Juliet sat closest to the King dressed in deep green dress that hugged her petite body. He couldn’t recall ever seeing this dress before but he had to admit that she had never looked more beautiful than she did on this night. The way the dress fitted her, how her hair fell around her exposed shoulders and the ever so rare smile that he wished he could see more often, she was a vision of beauty to him. As she listened to one of the many stories that the dwarf, Varric, spun when he was in unfamiliar company, Cullen took immediate notice of how Alistair appraised her. If Cullen were any more foolish he might have gotten jealous but there was no lust in the Alistair’s eyes. He stared at her with judgement, comparing her to her distant cousin that was resting in Denerim with his new child, before looking away in disappointment. That did little to improve Cullen’s opinion of him.

_ The bastard is making more bastards and he has the gall to look at Juliet with judgement? I can see why he and that she-witch get along so well. _

         “Knight-Captain,” The welcomed sight of Aveline Vallen brought a smile to his face when he saw that he was not the only guest dressed in their armor. She extended both a hand and smile to him, “I didn’t believe Hawke when she told me you would be attending. It’s good to see you,” Cullen strongly took her hand and returned her smile, grateful for her presence.

“You as well, Guard-Captain,” he sighed. He might have held on longer to her hand than he intended but he could see her glancing at the King, silently urging Cullen to greet his royal host. Aveline saw disdain in her friend’s expression as he rolled his eyes and put on a polite smile before releasing her hand and turning to Alistair.

         “King Alistair. It’s an honor to meet you,” Cullen gave him a deep bow befitting a man of Alistair’s station but he found himself in an even more uncomfortable position when Alistair rose from the ground and threw an arm around his shoulder as if they were old friends.

“There’s no need for such titles tonight! You’ve arrived late, Ser---” 

“Cullen Rutherford, Knight-Captain of the Templar Order in Kirkwall. I’ve come as their representative,” he could see how unimpressed Alistair was by his title or his reason.

“Ser Cullen,” there a moment of silence as Alistair tried to find his train of thought that he had drunkenly lost while listening to Cullen’s introduction, “What was I saying?” he laughed, looking over at his uncle sitting the corner of the tent near the minstrel, nursing a glass of wine. 

“You’ll have to forgive our King. He’s had a bit too much to drink,” Tegan chuckled, embarrassed for his leader.

“Ah. Well no matter. You’re here and the party is finally complete! Come,” Alistair coaxed Cullen to the ground to sit in his circle. He wedged himself between an elf with snowy white hair that brushed his brooding emerald eyes and a human draped in ivory finery with his dark brown hair slicked back. 

          He recognized the two men as Juliet’s companions; both were notoriously vocal about their support of the Templars. He looked to his left at elf he believed to be called Fenris, though he wasn’t so sure. It wasn’t their names that he usually read in his reports. It was strange seeing him out of his dark grey armor. Instead, he wore a light brown shirt paired with a black pair of trousers that almost made him look normal had it not been for his tattoos. To his right, was the Prince of Starkhaven, Sebastian Vael. He was never one to really pay attention to nobility but the prince’s presence was quickly brought to his attention by Grand Cleric Elthina. Why Sebastian thought he’d able to arrive quietly into a neighboring city state after the gruesome murder of his family, Cullen would never understand. Or perhaps he didn’t wish to arrive quietly. In any case, Cullen had no head for these games that nobles play nor did he want any part of it. All he knew was that Sebastian was meant to be under the watchful eye of Elthina but he didn’t bother questioning as to why he was here. Aveline shook her head with an amused smile and returned to her place near Tegan, her light facade darkening when they resumed their conversation. 

“So tell me, Lady Hawke---,” Alistair spoke up to get Juliet’s attention. 

“You flatter me but I am no Lady,” Juliet laughed in an attempt to mask how strange she felt being referred to as a Lady.

“Nonsense! You as much a Lady as I am a King!”  Nobody in that room was sure what to make of that comment but Juliet looked past it, understanding his good intentions, “But I hear that you have a Grey Warden traveling with you. Goes by the name Anders,” A hush fell over the party. The men in Alistair’s entourage all looked around curiously at the way Juliet and her companions exchanged knowing looks.

“Sadly, he could not attend. He had to attend more pressing matters,” Cullen could only imagine what those matters were. 

“I remember him, actually. We had an Orlesian Grey Warden arrive to help rebuild the Order while the Lady Amell was pregnant with our first child. He had such incredible skill! The Orlesian Grey Warden was eager to conscript him because of it. I only ask because I’m curious about what ever happened to him after his disappearance,” 

“Oh,” Juliet tilted her head, “I never knew the story of his conscription. He doesn’t speak of it much and I don’t see any point in prying since he’s made it clear that he’s left the Order,” 

“If only it were that easy,”

         Cullen dwelled on that phrase for the rest of the night, wondering what it was that Alistair meant. There was something sullen in the way he said that phrase. For a single moment, he saw the King as he saw himself. Worn down by duties that demanded too much of them and empty fantasies they knew would never become their reality. He wondered if perhaps there was real affection between Alistair and Lady Amell. He certainly saw only sincerity in the way Alistair spoke of her as was the pain in his eyes when he lamented about never being able to make her his true wife.

         Whatever hatred Cullen bore for Alistair suddenly felt washed away. He did not see an evil man or a stupid man but instead, he saw a man who was clinging to a single light in his dark world. It was strange to think that a woman as heartless as the Lady Amell could be someone’s love but Cullen understood him well enough. They were both victims of the Maker’s twisted sense of humor.

“I believe it is time that I returned home,” Juliet announced as she raised herself, her cheeks flushed from the wine. 

“So early?” Varric asked as he refilled his own wine glass, “And here I was expecting that we’d drink until dawn,”

“As was I but I’ve just remembered that I have a busy day tomorrow. It would be a very good idea for me to get some sleep while I still can,”

“Are you sure you wish to travel the Wounded Coast alone? Or Hightown. Both are very dangerous at night. Would you like me to come with you?” Aveline’s concern for her friend was heartwarming but this was an opportunity Cullen had no intention of missing. He rose from his seat, attempting to seem relaxed under the circumstances.

“There is no need. It is about time that I should return home too. The Knight-Commander is not keen on giving her men days off due to parties. I’d be glad to see the Champion home,” Aveline narrowed her eyes in suspicion. He felt his stomach drop in that instant. He should have known better than to try to fool Aveline but it was too late. He had thoughtlessly spoken those words and he saw no escape unless Aveline would grant it to him. He gave her a pleading look that begged her to let him have this night.

         “Very well,” she leaned back on her hands, “Be careful. Try not to do or say anything you might regret, Hawke. You’ve had quite a bit to drink,” 

“I’m sure I can manage,” Juliet chuckled. 

“You as well, Knight-Captain Cullen. The roads are dangerous at night. You never know who’s watching. Be on your guard,”

“I always am,” Cullen assured her before ushering Juliet out of the tent, grateful to finally be away from them all.


	5. Chapter 5

_          The quiet of the Chantry felt like an oasis in the chaos of Kirkwall. The soft glow of the crimson candles shrouded the couple in an intimate darkness. The couple stood closer than they ever had before, making it impossible for them to see anything beyond each other. Juliet saw the concern written on Cullen’s features. She wondered what it was that kept him from taking her into custody but she saw no reason to question him when he was showing her more compassion than she anyone has since she entered this cursed city. Cullen brought a gloved hand to her shoulder to push back a lock of hair. His hand lingered near her shoulder for a moment, unsure of where to go but finding direction when Juliet gently grasped his hand to lower it but never releasing it. There was a strange comfort in the way she looked at him. She gazed at him with none of the vitriol that he’s become accustomed to. Instead, he saw understanding, sympathy and perhaps even affection in her eyes but he couldn’t be sure. He couldn’t be sure of anything at that moment.  _

_         A part of Juliet wanted to run from the Chantry and never look back. When she opened her eyes all she could see was Cullen but when she closed them she could only imagine the hurt on Anders’ face. She could hear the pain in voice and feel the strength of his hands wrapping tightly around her arms in anger as they have done so before but there was something in the way that Cullen held her that made her want to stay. She snaked her hands around his waist, holding him close and allowing the strength in his embrace to make her feel safe for just a single moment.  _

       They walked close together beneath the moonlight, enjoying their time alone as they slowly made their way back to Kirkwall. The sound of the waves crashing against the Wounded Coast filled the silence between them. The image of Alistair’s infectious smile made Juliet look down with a small smile of her own.

“What are you smiling at?” Cullen asked absentmindedly, stepping a few feet forward and stretching his hand out help Juliet navigate the uneven paths.

“The King. He was like an excited child. You weren’t there but when I arrived the first thing he did was pour me a glass of wine and tell me all about his family. I’ve never seen a man so happy. It was...nice. It made me a little jealous,”

“Jealous?” Cullen chuckled to disguise how her comment made his heart leap into his throat, “Why would you ever be jealous of him?”

         Juliet stopped in her tracks. She grasped tightly to Cullen’s arm and turned him so she could face him in the darkness, “You’ve never thought about what it might be like to have your own family? To have a second chance at happiness?” Cullen could recall many nights spent laying awake in the darkness, dreaming about a family he knew he didn’t deserve and a wife he could never have but he couldn’t find it in him to tell her that.

“No,” he lied, “I have not,”

_        The desperation in her expression, paired with the tenderness of her touch, drew Cullen closer to her. He watched her hesitantly lift her head, inching her lips closer to his before pulling away. Just as he expected her to. In all the years he has known Juliet he never doubted her conviction so it wasn’t surprising that she would eventually come to her senses. Even if in doing so, she left him yearning for her forgiveness once more. _

_ “I should be on my way. Goodnight, Knight-Captain,” Juliet looked at him apologetically before turning away. She kept her head low in shame that she would dare to consider loving another. Cullen, however, could no longer stand the misery of his existence. He pushed what little good sense he had left to the back of his mind and reached for Juliet’s hand. There was no fear in the way he pulled her back to him, pressing his lips into hers. He prepared himself for her to reject him; wanted it, even. He wanted to know that there was no chance with her to put to rest the aching in his heart. Instead, he was met with a wanting so strong it could rival his own. _

_ Juliet laid down her defenses and eagerly returned his kiss, not needing words to tell Cullen how much she wanted him. He could feel it in the way she held him and the way her eyes begged for more when he pulled away. _

         The usual propriety Juliet and Cullen conducted themselves with was erased that night as they believed no one would be watching them at this late hour. They walked arm-in-arm through the mostly vacant streets. Only the occasional urchin passing them but paying them little attention. They wandered the docks, then Lowtown before finally finding themselves at the entrance of Hightown.

         Their time together was spent laughing and reminiscing about their lives before Kirkwall. Juliet laughed when Cullen told her about his siblings and how his older sister use to be one of the best chess players he ever met. Meanwhile, Cullen listened intently to Juliet’s story of her first kiss and cringed at end before laughing almost as much as she did at his story. 

“It was horrible! He had his eyes closed and practically missed my mouth!” Juliet brought her hands to her cover her burning cheeks, “How does someone do that?!”

“I’m sorry for laughing but I have no story that’s even remotely as embarrassing as that one!” Cullen laughed. 

“Carver wouldn’t shut up about it for weeks! All of Lothering knew what happened!” 

“Oh, if I was your brother I wouldn’t have either. If that happened to Mia I wouldn’t let her forget it,” 

“Cullen!” Juliet laughed while playfully hitting his arm, “Were you always such a pain as a brother?” 

“Well...not to my younger siblings. I did, however, do everything in my power to annoy my older sister,” The smile on Juliet’s face became wider when she thought about how similar Cullen and Carver were as children. She recalled how Carver would also go out of his way to annoy her. When they were children she use to curse him for it but now she would give anything for him to be at her side annoying her once more.

         Cullen noticed how somber Juliet’s expression became. Sadly, it had been some years since Cullen even thought of Carver but he remembered him from the few pictures that Juliet had showed him in their moments alone. It was clear that Juliet still mourned her brother after so long in the way she turned away from to discreetly wipe the tears from her eyes before they fell down her cheeks. He reached over and held her hand tightly to show her comfort. 

“Thank you, Cullen,” her smile covered the pain that memory caused her. 

“If it means anything, I thought you looked beautiful tonight,” Cullen complimented her in an effort to distract her, “I’m certain that dress is new,” 

“You’re right. As always,” Juliet looked at him with an expression that showed a genuine affection for him, “You always notice the little things,” 

“It’s one of my better habits,” 

          By the time the couple reached Hightown it was well past midnight. Cullen escorted her to the Hawke Estate and bid her goodnight by placing a gentle kiss on her knuckles. A smile lingered on Juliet’s face as she entered her home. She kept her head down but the glow surrounding her was unmistakable. Her night out was about as perfect as she hoped it would be and more. Thoughts of being Mrs. Rutherford filled her mind as she made her way to her bedroom. She pictured what her life might be like as a Rutherford instead of a Hawke. A life free of the expectations that came with her title. She wondered what it might feel like to not live behind an image that others crafted for her but instead live in a world where she felt safe and loved for who she truly was; flaws and all. She imagined that it would be a wonderful existence.

          Her fantasy was shattered when she entered her bedroom and saw Anders sitting in a chair near the fireplace with his arms crossed. He looked to her with bloodshot eyes and his usual passionate anger radiating off him. Juliet learned to recognize that expression after their first few arguments. 

“You’re looking quite happy,” the sound of Anders’ voice cut through her fantasy and pulled her back into her hellish reality. Juliet quickly put on an indifferent mask but it was too late. Anders had seen her smile. 

“Y-Yes. I just came back from my meeting with the king,” She moved across the room to her vanity where she started to remove her jewelry as if there was nothing wrong. 

“In that dress? I thought I told you not to wear it,”

          Juliet looked down at her fingers with a pained expression. She had been caught. She was sure of it. Tears welled up in her eyes as she prepared to face her punishment. She tightly shut to her eyes in an effort to restrain her tears. 

“It’s only a dress, Anders. There’s nothing to be upset over,” she quietly replied, careful to keep her tone as pleasant as she could manage. 

“You’re right. A dress is nothing to get upset over,” she knew that she should be feeling relief in this small victory but the only thing she could feel as she undressed was fear.

“What was the Knight-Captain doing here?”

            _There it was_.

“He was only escorting me home. Just a courtesy,” she assured him although she knew that she didn’t sound as convincing as she hoped she would. 

“Is that why he kissed you on the hand? Because he was being courteous?” Juliet froze in place, staring into her wardrobe with wide terrified eyes. She could not find the will to speak. There was nothing she could say that might soothe his growing anger. 

          “Answer me, Juliet!” Anders demanded. Juliet flinched when she heard his foot stomp on the tile floor. 

“Anders, please!” she turned around with her tears already streaming down her cheeks, “We’re only friends! I swear it!” 

         If she hadn’t been caught before she was sure that she was caught now. The lies spilled so easily from her lips but her very person betrayed her. The way she cried before Anders made it seem more like she was begging him for forgiveness than defending herself. 

“From what I saw, you two seemed to be more than friends,” Anders persisted, not convinced her innocence. 

“No, of course not. Befriending the Knight-Captain is my way of helping the mage cause. If I am able to convince him to---” 

“You’re solution to freeing the mages is by rubbing elbows with our enemy?” Anders’ tone became cold. The hatred in his eyes frightened her to her core. 

“Perhaps…,” she took in a deep breath to calm her nerves, “Perhaps the Templars do not have to be our enemies,”

“I will not sit here and listen to such nonsense! You are a mage! You should know better than to believe such lies!” Anders raged. 

“But does it have to be a lie?! There are countless Templars that see the injustice mages face and want to help them! Thrask, for example!” 

“You choose one not so terrible Templar as an example and expect countless other Templars to change their mind! You’re a fool if you believe such ridiculous notions! That the Templars would care for us mages!” 

          Juliet began to feel a sense of relief when she saw Anders storm out of their room. She let out a sigh and allowed a small smile to crack through her distraught exterior but as soon as the moment came, it was taken from her. Anders returned to her, gripping her arm as tightly as he could and throwing her on to the bed. 

“Before I forget, if you’re going to betray our kind then I can’t stop you! But next time the Knight-Captain decides to put his hands on you and you don’t stop him, I won’t hesitate to put him and you in your place,”

          He left her trembling on the bed with a never ending stream of tears pouring down her reddened cheeks and soaking through her pillow. All Juliet could find the strength to do was lay in the darkness and picture her life as it she wanted it to be and not as it was. 

_ Cullen _ , Juliet thought to herself,  _ I need to escape...please come with me… _ .


End file.
